


I Have What I Can't Want

by howdoesonewrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Marriage, Same-Sex Marriage, angst but not really, how do people get married?, kiss, pizza boy (not sexual)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-02-09
Packaged: 2018-03-11 06:59:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3318269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howdoesonewrite/pseuds/howdoesonewrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Dan and Phil get married out of "convenience" because no one will understand each other the way they do and then Dan slowly falls in love with him and while Phil is asleep Dan whispers "i love you" and Phil wakes up and smiles happily<br/>(I changed it a bit)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Have What I Can't Want

**Author's Note:**

> Also I found this prompt but I can't remember from where. Plus it was like a month ago, so if you know who posted it let me know ^_^. Thanks.

“Let’s order--”

“Pizza.” 

“And then we can watch--”

“The new episode of Parasyte. Yeah Phil I know. Now come here and bring the credit card so we can place this order,” Dan says pulling up the Domino’s homepage on his MacBook. 

Phil walks into the lounge and sits next to Dan who has completed their order without Phil needing to remind him what toppings he likes. “Here ya go,” Phil says holding out the card for Dan.

“Read the numbers to me please?” Dan says, his eyes staying trained on the screen. Phil sighs and begins reciting the number slowly for him. “Aaaannnd, it’s ordered,” Dan says clicking the ‘complete now’ button.

“Good job. I’m going to go take a shower. Call me if you get shot,” Phil says standing up from his spot on the couch.

“What if I get stabbed? Can I call you then?” Dan calls over his shoulder with his eyes still glued onto his computer screen.

“Only if you’re bleeding profoundly,” Phil says starting the water.

“But I thought we were friends,” Dan yells.

“Thought is the key word Daniel,” Phil shouts back, lathering shampoo through his hair.

“Right well I’ll just move out.”

“Oh no,” Phil says in a sarcastic voice, “where ever will I find a new roommate. Dan Howell please don’t leave me.”

Dan and Phil both laugh and go back to their activities until they hear the doorbell ring, “Phil? Please?” Dan whines.

“Dan how do you not weigh 30 stones?” Phil says when he passes the lounge with a towel wrapped around his shoulders. He opens the door and, after a few awkward minutes of chatting with the delivery boy, Phil walks back into the room with the pizza to find Dan biting his lip while staring at his laptop.

“Phil look at this,” Dan says when he notices Phil standing behind him, “Same sex marriage is now legal in the UK.”

“Great. Now the neighbors downstairs can get married,” Phil says, not sure how it applies to them.

“But Phil, we should get married,” Dan says closing the laptop.

“Dan? Have you been reading Phanfiction lately?” Phil says taking the seat opposite to Dan.

“No. Well yes. But that’s not important. I’m serious Phil. We should get married except not as lovers but as friends,” Dan knows he must sound crazy but really, who else knows him like Phil? He already has someone who understands him (isn’t that what lovers are?), why would he need to find another person?

“So you're saying that we get married to each other just so we can stay best friends forever?” Phil says beginning to understand Dan’s ridiculous plan.

“I mean, unless you don’t to stay friends forever and find a girlfriend or something,” Dan says looking down at his feet.

“No I don’t need a girlfriend,” Phil says back a little too quickly, “I’m just making sure. So, you don’t want a girlfriend either then?”

“You’re everything I would need in a girlfriend minus the sex, I can deal with that.”

“Are you sure Dan? I don’t want you to be 70 and still a virgin,” Phil says a grin playing at his lips.

“How do you know I’m a virgin?” Dan says, red spreading across his face.

“You told me. Remeber? After we watched Dirty Dancing for the first time together,” Phil says chuckling, “Anyway, we should think about the marriage thing and just enjoy the pizza for now.”

“Yeah okay. I’ll que up the episode.”

\-----

Dan’s hands brush against the keys as beautiful music pours out from the instrument. He feels like a weight's been lifted off his shoulders whenever he plays New Born by Muse. The way that the song is perfect for the piano with it’s beautiful delicateness makes Dan feel so alive. 

What Dan doesn’t know is that Phil loves the song too. Whenever Dan plays it, Phil will stand quietly in the doorway just listening and leave before Dan notices he’s there. This time is no exception, except Phil is sitting outside Dan’s closed door with his eyes shut as he lets the music fill him. It’s this moment that he thinks marrying Dan is a good idea. If he marries Dan, then he’ll always get to listen to this song on the piano. If he marries Dan then he’ll always have someone to watch anime with. If he marries Dan then he’ll always have a friend.

Phil stands up when he hears Dan stop playing and makes his way to the lounge. He sits down on the couch, thinking about the rest of his life with Dan. His mornings would always be bright, his nights would always be comfortable. Empty moments would be filled with comfort and music. Phil smiles thinking about those things then he walks back to Dan’s room to tell him that he does want the marriage.

\------

“We’re actually doing this,” Dan whispers into Phil’s ear for the hundredth time since they’ve entered the courthouse.

“Dan, I know. Now quiet or else I won’t marry you,” Phil whispers back. The two are standing in an office while a man in a personally tailored suit grabs a few documents. 

“If you guys would sit there,” the man says nodding to his desk. Dan and Phil take a few steps forward and take their seats in two identical chairs, “Now I’m sure you two are very happy about this law being passed, but you need to know that this marriage is as real as one between a man and woman.”

“Well I would hope so,” Dan says.

“Sir, we are aware that this is a lifelong commitment and we would be very appreciative if we could continue moving along with the whole,” Phil waves his arms in the air,”thing.”

“Are you two planning on having a ceremony? Or a party of some sorts?”

“No, we aren’t really into flashy things,” Dan says sinking lower into his chair while wondering how long it takes to get married.

“I see. Well then I’ll just need you two to read some legal stuff and sign your names on this document,” the man says pointing to the papers on his desk. Dan and Phil skim through the documents not really caring about the words, they just need to look interested.

“I think we’re ready to sign,” Phil says when they’ve ‘read’ the short stack papers in front of them.

“Right, here’s a pen.” 

Dan picks up the pen and with shaking hands he scribble his name ‘Daniel James Howell’ onto their marriage license. Then he hands the pen to Phil who, with equally shaking hands, writes ‘Philip Michael Lester’.

“You’re all set. Let me just make a copy of this and you’ll be on your way. Congradulations.”

****

“So what exactly are married couples supposed to do?” Dan asks when they stop for lunch.

“Well, um they spend the rest of forever together I guess,” Phil answers back before taking a bite of his burger.

“Yeah but, I don’t know. Should we buy wedding bands to that we don’t get hit on?” Dan says with a mouthful of salad.

“That might not be a bad idea,” Phil says wiping his face with his napkin.

“We could go now. I know we’ve been saving the money for new beds but why not? We have the rest of forever to come up with that money,” Dan says, a little grin playing on his lips when he mimics Phil’s words.

“Then lets go. There’s a jewelry store just up the street,” Phil says pushing his plate away. Dan nods and takes a final swig of his water before he stands up too. They throw away the remains of their food in the trashcan and walk out the door. The cold wind nips at their fingertips and whips their faces so they keep their heads low as they walk to the small store.

“We close in 30 minutes,” is their greeting along sides a bell when they walk into the store. 

“Well I don’t think this should take too long,” Phil says back to the lady who is flipping through a magazine.

“We’ll see,” she says looking up from her reading, “What do you two need?”

“Wedding bands,” they both say in unison.

“Both of you guys are getting married at the same time?” she asks raising her eyebrows.

“Well when you marry each other, you kinda do it at the same time,” Dan says.

“You two are getting married to each other?”

“We are married,” Dan says narrowing his eyes.

“Problem?” Phil says, prepared to leave.

“No, not at all,” she says shaking her head, “I think I’ll be able to find something that you two like,” she walks out from behind the counter and takes them over to a section where wedding bands of all colours are sorted, “Pick which ever style you like, I can find your size afterwords.”

\------

In the end Dan and Phil settle on similar white gold bands. Dan’s with two small black lines tracing the outer ends and Phil’s with a small diamond right in the middle. They’re sitting next to each other on Dan’s bed while browsing Tumblr. Nothing has changed since yesterday except the expensive bands on their left ring finger. 

“Hey Phil,” Dan says looking up from his computer, breaking the silence.

“Huh,” Phil answers turning his neck to look at Dan.

“What happens if one of us does find someone else?” Dan says.

“What are you saying? We’ve only been married for a few hours,” Phil says closing his laptop.

“I’m not regretting my decision if that’s what you’re saying, but no one knows what’s going to happen in the future.”

“Dan, if you ever want to leave, well I hope you won’t want to leave, but if you ever do, I’ll let you be happy,” Phil says as he turns his body to properly face Dan.

“Thanks Phil, but I think you’re wonderful. I’m more worried that you’ll leave me,” Dan says, avoiding Phil’s eyes out of embarrassment.

“I would never leave you, you know I think you’re wonderful too,” Phil says patting Dan’s leg, “Stop worrying silly and let’s go get something for dinner.”

Dan nods and watches Phil head over to the door but he remains seated on the bed. When Phil touched him, warmth had filled into his body for some reason. Dan had never felt this way about Phil before. Sure he had thought about sex with Phil (I mean who hasn’t thought of sex with their best friend?) but there was never any meaning to it. 

“Dan,” Phil calls from the kitchen breaking Dan’s thoughts.

“Coming,” Dan yells back while he stands from his bed. Phil’s bending down in their small kitchen looking through the pantries for something somewhat healthy for dinner when Dan finds him. Dan gets a nice view of Phil’s butt and he feels the heat spreading across him again. Phil straightens with a package of noodles in his hand, and when he notices Dan’s redness, he smirks.

“Can I help you Danny?” Phil says, trying to keep himself from laughing.

“Stop, you’re harassing me,” Dan says jokingly trying to keep the hurt out of his voice as he turns on his heel to walk out of the kitchen. He can can’t help but feel embarrassed by his behavior for the past hour. Dan hasn’t felt so strongly about Phil for the longest time, if ever. 

“Danny come back. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you got so turned on by my ass,” Phil says, walking over to Dan.

Dan’s hiding his face in his pillow when Phil walks into the room, “Phiiiillll,” Dan whines sinking lower into the bed.

“Dan, look, I really am sorry. Please don’t be mad at me,” Phil says sympathetically patting Dan’s back. “Look, I’ll go make spaghetti, come out when you feel like it. Okay?” Phil says as he begins to get up from the bed.

Dan reaches out and grabs Phil by the wrist which surprises both Phil and himself. “Stay?” Dan asks into his pillow. Instead of answering Phil just sits back on the bed and continues caressing Dan’s hair until he falls asleep. 

\------

“Sorry about last night,” is the first thing they both say to each other the next morning. Promptly followed by both being surprised by the others apology, then ending with a hug. Dan offers to make the coffee, which is rare, and Phil decides to make the pancakes, which is also rare. 

“You know, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,” Phil says when they’re finished and Dan’s busy scraping maple syrup remains into his mouth.

“And I didn’t mean to make you feel horrible for making me feel bad,” Dan says setting his plate back onto the table.

“Dan? Are we okay?” Phil asks, concern lacing into his voice.

“Phil, we’re fine. I promise. I was just a little sexually frustrated I guess,” Dan says looking down at his fork.

“I’m sorry you’ve never had sex,” Phil blurts out, He quickly covers his mouth, tears brimming in his eyes. He feels awful about making Dan uncomfortable.

“Phil?” Dan says standing up to wrap his arms around his best friends, “Phil it’s okay really. Please don’t cry, you we’re just making a statement. Phil it’s not your fault. Please,” Phil wraps his own arms around Dan’s midsection and makes an effort to stop crying.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says pulling away from Dan after a few moments.

“Me too,” Dan says patting Phil’s head and walking out to change his tear soaked shirt.

****

Dan and Phil are walking side by side in silence through their neighborhood park, the sun beating down on their pale skin with a promise of a sunburn in mere hours. 3 months since the ‘incident’ and both guys are back to their usual selves. Dan walks slightly behind Phil so that he can simply follow the other without needed to think about his own path. When Phil stops to look at birds, Dan stops to look up at them too. When Phil walks over to the swings and starts kicking himself up to the air, Dan does the same. 

“Dan, are you okay?” Phil asks when Dan’s silence finally becomes unusual. 

“Yeah, why?” Dan replies stopping his swing.

“You haven’t been, well, talking exactly for the past few weeks,” Phil says digging his heels into the dirt to stop his swing too.

“I’m okay Phil, I promise. I’m just stressed out with Playlist coming up and all that,” Dan says.

“I suppose,” Phil sighs, “Let’s go home. Yeah?”

“Okay,” Dan says standing up.

They walk in silence down the pavement, birds singing and bugs making clicking noises are the ones to fill in the space with sounds instead. Dan concentrates on the sound of Phil’s boots hitting the floor as they walk, the soft pitter patter mimicking Dan’s heart beat. Soon Dan’s breathing sinks to the shoes as well, making him feel somewhat connected to Phil. He’s been trying to avoid Phil lately (well as best as he can) because now he can’t help but get giddy whenever Phil does something. The thing is though, Phil isn’t what's changing, it’s Dan. The more days that pass, the more Dan feels like maybe marrying Phil was more than just convenient, it was necessary for his happiness. 

“Dan. Dan? Dan!” Phil says shaking Dan lightly by the shoulders.

“Huh? What?” Dan says realizing that he’s zoned out.

“What? Really? Right well now I’m 500% sure you’re not okay,” Phil says shaking his head.

“I’m sorry. I was just thinking. I swear,” Dan says rubbing the back of his neck.

“Dan, please can we talk?” Phil pleads while he rummages for the key in his pocket.

“About?” 

“You. Us. Everything,” Phil says turning the key in the lock.

“There isn’t really much to talk about,” Dan says, walking quickly up the steps.

“Much? Then there is something to talk about,” Phil says, chasing after Dan. Dan runs into his bedroom and closes the door. When Phil reaches the room, it’s locked. “Dan! Daniel!” Phil calls through the door.

“Go edit a video Philip,” Dan yells back, his voice slightly muffled because of the pillow on his face.

“Why are you so mad?” Phil screams.

“Because I can be. Now please leave me alone for a bit,” Dan shouts.

“Fine.”

\------

Phil sits on the sofa in Dan’s crease browsing through tumblr with Muse playing in the background. The way Phil figures it, is that maybe if he tries to ‘become’ Dan, he can get more of an insight to his mind. Phil has tried opening Dan’s door several time in the past 2 hours with no luck. He even slipped a note in there telling Dan’s that he’s sorry. All Phil can do now is wait.

Dan however has been pacing his room for several minutes. The note Phil gave him was so sweet and Dan feels horrible. He’s been trying to think about how to respond to Phil for the past 20 minutes but he can’t think of anything. 

“Dan?” Dan hears Phil’s voice and the shake of the door knob. Dan stays silent though which makes him feel even more horrible. “Dan, I’m going to sit outside your door all night if I have to.”

So Dan lets Phil stay at the door. He’s not sure how long Phil sits but when Dan finally unlocks the door, prepared for a talk, Phil doesn’t come in. After a few minutes he tries opening the door when he feels a weight. Phil’s fallen asleep outside the door. Carefully Dan shuts the door again and goes to his bed. He lays down and closes his eyes thinking If Phil wakes up, he can just come in, and with that, Dan tries to falls asleep. 

\------

It’s 3 in the morning when Phil wakes up to crying. He stands up and dusts his hands on his pajama pants. Phil hopelessly tries the door and to his surprise, it opens. Dan’s curled up in a ball with tears trickling down his face when Phil walks up to him. Instead of talking, Phil lays down next to Dan and pulls him close to his chest.

“I’msosorryPhil,” Dan mumbles into Phil’s chest.

“Shhh,” Phil cooes rubbing Dan’s back, “It’s okay. I was just worried about you. Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”

Dan sniffs, “This. This is wrong. I mean we’re just friends right?” Dan says, “I want you to sleep in bed with me every night, and I want you to rub my back all the time, and Jesus Phil.” Dan’s voice breaks into more sobs.

“It’s alright Bear. We’ll figure whatever this is out,” Phil says.

Dan cries even louder when he hears ‘Bear’, a name that he hasn’t heard from Phil in years. “Phil, please.”

“Yes?”

“I lo- I wanna go to sleep,” Dan says changing his words mid sentence. Thankfully Phil doesn’t seem to notice.

“Alright then, we can do that,” Phil says wrapping his arms around Dan. He continues to rub and pat Dan’s back until his breath evens out, then he too falls asleep.

\------

Dan hears Phil breathing next to him that morning and he can’t help but blush. Phil has his arms wrapped protectively around Dan’s back and waist. Dan’s face is pressed against Phil’s chest and he can smell the sweet yet masculine scent that is Phil Lester. He snuggles in closer to Phil’s chest when he remembers yesterday and their fight. He sighs and looks across Phil’s sleeping face. 

“Phil?” Dan whispers. When he gets no response he continues, “I’m sorry about the past few months. I just kept thinking about how you’re mine but I can’t have you. Phil, each day I got more and more upset because we aren’t really married. If we were actually married I could hug you for no reason, I could kiss you without it being a stupid drunk dare, and most of all, I could just love you without feeling ashamed. I’m sorry for being dumb, but I’m dumb because I love you.”

“Dan,” Phil breaths, slowly opening his eyes and untangling himself from Dan’s body. 

“Ph-Phil I didn’t-” But before Dan can finish, Phil’s places his hands on the others face. He studies Dan for a second before gently pressing his lips to Dan’s. He pulls away and strokes Dan’s cheek with his thumb. 

“I love you too.” Phil whispers, and this time it’s Phil’s turn to blush.


End file.
